• Whenever an owl says who I always say I don’t know just incase they’re asking me specifically.

  • My wife and I had our babies delivered because we didn’t know where to go to pick them up.

  • I leave my car running overnight so that it too can have nocturnal emissions.

  • My favorite race at the Olympics is black.

  • “I just cannot support topless women” - unconfident bra

  • No matter how many of them there are midgets will always be a small group of people.

  • I ordered a coffee and the guy at the counter asked me how I take it so I said I hold it with my right hand and casually walk away.

  • Dear Poo,

    You will never convert me.

    Sincerely,

    Corn.

  • Deep down I’m a really nice guy but on the surface I’m just skin and hair.

  • I once listened in on a KKK rally but all I could hear was a bunch of white noise.

  • I went to The National Amputee Conference but they didn’t let me in because I didn’t have a stub.

  • I once stole a tip jar and it would be the last time I robbed a circumcision clinic.

  • Organized crime is like, “hey empty the cash register into this bag and then I will escape in the getaway car which is parked outside”. ”Disorganized crime is like, “dammit where the fuck is my bag?”

  • Bald eagles are proud and confident. Balding eagles are like, “oh no will anyone notice?”

  • I accidently bought a fire distinguisher. My house burned down but at least I knew it was a grease fire.

  • If somebody tells you that you’re attractive but they like you more for your brains shoot their head off immediately they might be a zombie.

  • Sign: NO WALK-INS

    Me: [crawls in]

  • Born again christians are just regular christians who weren’t born correctly the first time.

  • My dad is in a vegetation state. Vermont is over 75% forest he really likes it there.

  • Unconcentrated juice just needs to focus.

  • My gross annual income is dead squirrels. Never agree to be paid grossly it’s disgusting.

  • Abortions cut all unwanted pregnancies in half. And then into smaller bits and pieces.

  • The Spotted Owl is always like, dammit how did you know I was here?

  • A bus is a mobile display case of people who don’t have cars at the moment.

  • Some children are orphans for no a-parent reason.

  • Gordon Ramsay in the winter: “YOU DIDN’T PUT SALT ON THE FUCKING SIDEWALK!”

  • [Sir Issac Newton seeing a helium balloon right after he discovered gravity] “lol hehe ok I dunno.”

  • I spent my life savings on heroin all my hard work was all in vein.

  • A librarian is a literature pimp.

  • regular owl: who

    fancy owl: whom

  • Sex with no strings attached significantly reduces the risk of choking.

  • My mom still parks in the expectant mother parking spots because she’s still hopeful that one day I'll be successful.

  • German horse: nie

  • I never know if a hitchhiker is a hitchhiker or if it’s just someone liking me as I drive by.

  • There’s way too many convenience stores. I think I’m gonna open an inconvenience store - tucked deep in the mountains and everything is hard to reach.

  • Security guard: “hey kids no drinking in the parking lot.”

    Insecurity guard: “hey kids does this shirt make me look fat?”

  • Car Salesman: would you like a spoiler?

    Me: sure!

    Car Salesman: the car dies at the end.

  • I believe in the right to bear arms because then otherwise how would bears reach anything.

  • Cold kettle has no self-esteam :(

  • Medic: what's your blood type?

    Stab victim: B positive

    Medic: i'm trying to but if you don't tell me your blood type you're gonna die.

  • Border Officer: do you have any firearms?

    Me: [looks down at my arms] no, just regular skin arms.

  • Cornish hen is too non-committal, like, are you corn hen or not?

  • I went to the museum and the lady at the ticket-counter said ‘admission please’, so I told her I wasn’t wearing any socks. And it felt so good to finally get that off my chest.

  • I'm an egalitarian - I only eat eagles.

  • Thanksgiving is Memorial Day for turkeys.

  • Applesauce is just lazy apple juice.

  • I like hotdogs. Fuck uglydogs,

  • I never feel bad about earthquakes it's always their own fault.

  • Last night my wife made me quiver. Now I finally have somewhere to keep my arrows.

  • ♪ Mary had a little limb ♪

    - and other nursery rhymes from Chernobyl

  • Mayor: there’s no room for crooked cops in this town!

    Cop with polio: fuck :(

  • Is an umbrella an umbrella? Or is it just a brella with a conversational pause?

  • Terrorist: [throws blowup mattress] allahu akbar!

    Mattress Salesman: that's not how a blow-up mattress works.

    Terrorist: lol how embarrassing.

  • Before doors were invented knock-knock jokes had no element of surprise, like: "hey look, it's Boo Don't-cry.”